May 31, 2013
OMG Bacon, Bacon you guys, Bacon! Did you know that if you put Bacon on a dead body it will come back to life? And taste amazing? Bacon is the best thing in the world because it is a food substance and there are literally no other types of food.
Bacon just did two hundred pushups… after a Cross Fit workout… after being shot by a crossbow…while solving the New York Times crossword…the Sunday edition.
Bacon just reformatted all of my hard drives and rebooted my boots. Now my boots gleam with satisfaction and are certified for moonwalks. Bacon just hacked the main frame. The main fucking frame, you guys.
Bacon doesn’t hunt ghosts, ghosts hunt Bacon, but they never, ever find it because Bacon is one elusive mofo. However, Bacon DOES hunt goat ghosts because they are as difficult to hunt as it is to pronounce the phrase “goat ghosts.” Speaking of animals, Bacon has seventeen dogs and there is not a single dog hair on any of its furniture.
Bacon doesn’t need to wear a watch because it is amazing at guessing what time it is and also what time it isn’t Also, Bacon is never late, even if there’s traffic or the subway is just “being weird.” When you are Bacon the subway is never weird. The 9 train still exists for Bacon—so does the 3rd Avenue EL and the Soviet Space Program.
Bacon is incredibly fast and did all of its Christmas shopping in July and Bacon is Jewish. Speaking of being fast, Bacon passed the President’s Physical Fitness Test while it was technically still asleep—even the flexed-arm hang. Speaking of tests, Bacon got a 1600 on the SAT, which is 98 points better than Zack Morris. In fact, Bacon is so gifted that Bacon built a fully-functioning time machine during the exam, went back in time, and took the SATs when there was no writing section. Because fuck. a. writing. section.
Bacon is so good that even Bacon’s favorite food is Bacon. But Bacon never eats Bacon because Bacon has Olympic-level self-control. Bacon has perfectly timed bowel movements and has never cursed in front of its mother. Bacon knows exactly what Bacon is wearing to the wedding, it’s fucking impeccable, and the wedding I’m talking about is Malia Obama’s in June 2025. Bacon is invited solely based on its Presidential Physical Fitness Test scores and the fact that it is the best food of all time, no one can ever deny it, or care about another food ever, even if it kind of makes people seem a little mentally unwell to be that into one food item, because BACON BACON BACON.
Bacon co-wrote all of Fleetwood Mac’s best songs, but didn’t need to take the credit because they were already having enough trouble with infighting. Bacon isn’t some kind of a diva. Also, Bacon is literally a diva and has brought the house down with one of the most acclaimed operatic performances of all time. Additionally, Bacon invented the Diva Cup 2, which is a Diva Cup that just makes your period never exist again without any side effects.
Bacon is zero degrees from Kevin Bacon. Oprah told Bacon all of her secrets, even the one about REDACTED. Bacon’s bathroom has no windows and is never damp. Bacon is a tender, salty lover—the kind that would be able to please even the most powerful man or woman in the world, even, say, Oprah…
Bacon lives in a mansion, but donates all of its money to “Charity,” the genius dog who runs Youtube and selflessly betters everyone’s lives with millions of cat videos. Bacon will let you use its pool whenever you want and Bacon goes away all summer, so it’s kind of like it’s your pool. In addition to a pool, Bacon’s mansion has a gourmet chef that Bacon cooks for while Bacon also listens to the mansion bartender’s problems. Bacon’s butler is Judith Butler. Bacon is so amazing that Judith Butler doesn’t even care that by buttling for Bacon she is performing gender, and in doing so, creating gender.
Bacon never has to choose between flight and invisibility. Bacon’s kids got into Yale. And they are not even born yet. And their grades are terrible. Bacon beat Don Draper in a fight and a love-making fight. That’s right, Bacon is better than a fictional sociopath from the 1960s played by a very talented, attractive man.
Bacon is hot. However, Bacon is also cool. In fact, Bacon is so cool that people with glasses and pants and haircuts have begun moving to it from all over the nation. Yet, it does not gentrify. Your move, The New York Times.
Bacon is Santana’s real reason for reasons. Bacon wrote a hit song about Taylor Swift. Bacon has accurately defined a hipster. Bacon impressed your dad.
You have to love Bacon. Even if you only like Bacon, even if you are just Bacon-neutral and have a normal reaction to foods, even if you’re a vegetarian, or just don’t care for Bacon, you must acknowledge that Bacon dominates your life in every way. There are no other foods, no other things, no other thoughts, there is just Bacon. Pure, unadulterated, Bacon. So eat that. By Laura Jayne Martin